Sorry guys. I took this post down earlier because links and things were looking pretty funky on my end (guess you should update your stuff when apple tells you to…). It appears that everything is working now. So again, read on, but be warned that this post is personal, full of parenthesis and is written by someone running off very little sleep.
So… it’s been a while since I’ve posted. Sorry guys! Many things have been going on since I last posted. I’ll give you a very rough outline of my life for the past year-ish.
1) Move to Louisiana for a job
2) Meet boy online
3) Start dating boy
4) Fall in love with boy
5) Boy moves in
6) Celebrate 1 year anniversary
7) Get a job back home
8) Boy gets a job in same area
9) Move home
10) Break up
11) Spend month of August miserable and barely eating
12) Get back together with boy
13) 3 months later, break up with boy again
Number 13 brings us to last Sunday. Not Sunday, December 1, but Sunday, November 24, when I broke up with my first serious boyfriend, for the second time. I felt that in the past few months we tried to make things work and it just wasn’t working. I swear, I tried — I wanted to make it work, since there were so many wonderful things about him (although right now those are hard to remember, but I’ll get to that). This time, he also knew we tried to make the relationship work (at least I think he knows). No breakup is fun, but this time it seemed to go ok. Both of us seemed tired of crying and tired of fighting, although I suppose I can’t speak for another person. Personally, I maintained an appetite and could get through full sentences without breaking down in tears, which I took as a sign that it was the right thing to do (side note, I never, ever thought I’d be the kind of person who would be in a stressful situation which caused me to lose my appetite. I’ve always been the “eat your feelings” kind of person. Not so when we first broke up- I was so emotionally stressed and strung out that I don’t think I ate a full meal for at least 2 weeks.)
Now… most of this is my fault. I am weak-willed and technology is there, just waiting for me to use it for nefarious purposes. I’ve written about facebook, twitter and instagram before, and how they lead to comparison and general unhappiness. Now, the boy in question had already unfriended me on facebook and unfollowed me on twitter, but… unlike facebook, you can unfollow someone on twitter and the other person can still follow you. It took me a while to unfollow (because I hate breaking those connections) and even when I actually did unfollow, I could still look him up (this is both the blessing and curse of those who don’t feel the need to make their internet presence private).
Given that this morning was the day he returned from a family Thanksgiving, the nosy part of me had to see if there were any posts. I am completely aware that this is unhealthy behavior on my part. I should be strong-willed. But I’m not. It still kills me that we spent over 1.5 years together and all contact is gone. Yes, I know that it’s probably for the best for the moving on process, but he became my best friend. It’s hard not having that person to turn to or even to know what he is up to. I know what all my other friends are up to, at least in a general sense. Hell, I know what people who I don’t even know personally are up to, via blogs and twitter and instagram. But aside from what is shared on his twitter, I don’t know what he is doing. I hate that. I bet this wasn’t even a problem 15 years back. We didn’t have constant access to our peers and we didn’t feel the need to share all our thoughts with the world (and yes, I do see the irony here). For a nosy person, social media is a virtual enabler. Before the advent of this technology I’d have to get a friend to scope out the situation, and quite honestly, I’m embarrassed enough that I’m writing this. I can’t imagine asking a friend to ask a friend to find out what an ex is doing or how he is faring with the breakup.
Anyway, back to the pseudo point of this post (granted there really is no point, more of a place to rant. I could write in my journal, but lets face it, that’s not gonna happen. I haven’t kept a journal since freshman year of college).
I logged into twitter this morning to cyber stalk my ex boyfriend of a week and guess what I saw? HE’S ASKING GIRLS OUT! Seriously?! This is something I saw on early Monday morning, which means he’d have to have met the girl sometime last week. Only days after we broke up. Now, I could be completely misreading the tweet, but the reactivation of the online dating profile tells me I’m right. (full disclosure here: I saw that he is back online while going online to delete my profile for good). It really makes me wonder: Am I so easily replaced? Was our relationship really that meaningless?
I know that I’m the one who broke up with him. But, he’s the one who pushed the relationship saying things like “we can be a great team” and “we have a great future ahead of us.” Was all of that crap? How can he say that and turn around a week later and ask out another girl? Take some time to grieve. To consider what you want out of a relationship. To get your emotions under control before involving other people.
I suppose it could be all a part of the moving on process, and not a reflection on his attitude toward our past relationship. I downloaded a dating app on my phone and I have gotten matches. It is a definite ego boost, but I am by no means ready to actually talk to any of these guys. But even if it is a part of the moving on process, how can a person be ready to move on after ONE WEEK (not even a week, depending on the time of the dating profile reactivation)? Or is this just another sign if our society’s need to be connected? A physical manifestation of the part of us that needs to tweet and Instagram and facebook? Can some people not handle being alone? I know that I’m struggling with that issue, more than ever. My phone is a constant companion, despite being close to family and friends.
Anyway, seeing these things and thinking these things definitely hurts and it seriously tarnishes the way I view him. I think I hate that most of all. I so wanted to keep everything in relatively happy box in my mind. Now that image is changed and it’s all due to my inability to stay away from his twitter feed. So, here’s a lesson to you all: don’t cyber stalk an ex, you’ll only get hurt. Although, I suppose I should be thankful in some ways. Seeing the post this morning brought me to the anger phase of grief, which is one step closer to the end result–acceptance and moving on.
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